Country Hard

My mechanic Marcus called me the other day.

“ Madam good evening o.” He said in his usual booming voice.

“Marcus, good evening. How you dey?” I responded. Briefly wondering why he was calling me, he had only just serviced my car.

“We thank Baba God”. He responded and then went silent.

“Any problem?” I asked.

“Emmm Madam, I just say make I ask you how your motor. I know say I just service am and e no suppose get any wahala, but Madam country hard!”

He was right, country hard true true. With the drop in oil price the value of the Naira has been knocked down by nearly 20%. What this means for a country that relies heavily on the oil sector is that it is no longer business as usual. Lots of companies, from the major IOCs to small businesses are downsizing all in a bid to stay afloat. Aside cutting down on expenditure they are also cutting down on manpower. As a result, thousands of people have become unemployed, a figure which sadly is still on the rise.

But not all businesses have the luxury of downsizing or re-strategizing. Just the other day I visited my sister in Surulere, the tiny kiosk belonging to the "aboki" who guards the compound was padlocked. Then I recalled months previously when I had wanted to buy a recharge card, he told me he had stopped selling them. I remember glancing at the few tins of sardines and the packets of biscuits and sweets which lined the dusty wooden shelves. Briefly wondering why they were not arranged in their usual cartons on the floor. It didn`t strike me then that what I was looking at was in fact the slow demise of the former thriving business.

Country hard true true. The price of food has increased significantly. The activities of insurgents have disrupted farming and markets across the North East, with an inevitable impact on food availability and price. Crops like tomatoes, pepper and onions which are cultivated in those regions and transported to other parts of the country, have witnessed price increments of over 100% in some cases. I went to the market over the weekend with what I considered a reasonable amount of money, but just half way through my shopping I had already run out of cash.

Country hard true true. From importation of fake drugs to exhumation of contaminated chicken. The latest being fake Kpomo and fake Coca Cola bottling factory. My first cousin Gladys, died two days ago from complications of burns sustained from a kerosene stove explosion. Apparently, the kerosene had been adulterated with God-knows-what. People will do just about anything to survive.

With President Buhari`s change agenda, maybe there is still hope for a better Nigeria.

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A Boy

On a recent flight into Lagos, walking down the aisle towards where I was seated was a nondescript man accompanied by a six year old boy who I assumed was his son. The little boy trodded excitedly behind his father but as he made to move into the row which had their seats, his head collided with a dark blue suitcase that his father had just lifted to place in the overhead luggage compartment. He let out a loud yelp and burst into tears. The father used one hand to push the bag into the compartment and the other to rub the little boy`s head, in an attempt to console him. Then he said something that struck me.

" Stop crying, okay? You know I didn`t do that on purpose". He said softly in a voice dripping with irritation.

The boy didn`t stop crying, in fact he cried harder. I would have been very surprised if he had. Was the rationale behind the bag hitting his head expected to make him stop crying? Seriously? I found it odd that the father expected his young son to be understanding.

Then it occurred to me just how completely different from one another we are, men and women. I replayed the scene in my head, but this time the man was a woman. A woman would not use the reason behind the incident as a pacifier, she would simply show the boy some love. A simple hug or a kiss would have taken the pain away. Shikena! No need for long grammar.

It must be a man thing to put logic before pain, I thought to myself. But then I looked at the boy, alas he was still crying. Hmmm, why was he still crying? Isn`t he a man? He should man up jare. Then I had an eureka moment! He didn`t stop crying because he wasn`t yet a man. Still an innocent boy, untouched by parental and societal influences dictating what to do, where to do and how to do. A few years down the line, through either force, mandate or persuasion he would become a man, tough and ready to take on the world. A replica of his father. 

But on that beautiful summer morning in Paris, he was a mere six year old who would have stopped crying if only his father had remembered that he was just a boy.

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A Tale of Two Cities

And so yours truly just had a bouncing yummy kissable absolutely adorable baby girl! Yaaayyyy!!! :)
Which by the way is the reason I didn`t publish a new post last month. 
As expected, my tiny Madam at the Top demanded and still demands my full attention.
But I`m not complaining, I`m very much enjoying the sleepless nights and busy days. Well, for now. LOL
Lest I get overly excited and go on and on and forget the matter at hand, I`ll go straight to the point.

While I was privileged to deliver my daughter, Munachimso in obodo oyinbo, a friend of mine had hers here in Naija. Our experiences even though we both underwent the same surgery were as different as night and day. 

A couple of hours after I came out of the theatre, I was given some ice cubes to suck on. Soon after, a liquid meal was brought in. The following morning, I was allowed a solid meal. Thousands of miles away, my friend was allowed a glass of water twenty four hours after her surgery, and a meal two whole days after that.

While I cleaned Muna`s navel thrice daily with some spirit until it healed completely as per my doctor`s instructions, my friend chose to ignore her`s, instead she massaged her baby`s tender navel with steaming hot water before rubbing in some palm oil and potash mixture, as per her mother`s instructions. Day after day she regaled me with more and more outrageous tips, some of which she got from her mother and others from "well wishers".  

>    Baby girls should not be encouraged to sit too early lest they suffer from severe 
      cramps 
>    Babies should not be given water to drink until they are at least four months old lest
      they don`t grow tall
>    Don`t carry babies on your back lest they become bow-legged
>    Place a piece of thread on baby`s head to stop hick-ups 
>    Never carry babies on your shoulders while walking across an empty field lest evil
      spirits attack them
>    Don`t play around a baby`s navel lest it becomes infested with worms
>    When you take a baby off someone`s back you must give them a pinch and say
      these words " both the front and the back belong to you"

One quiet afternoon, I received a call from another friend. I happened to mention that our oyinbo neighbours would throw a party when we finally left for Naija as Muna`s cries must have been giving them sleepless nights. She asked if Muna cried often, I laughed and responded that like any new-born she did but only when she was hungry or uncomfortable. There was a brief pause on the other end of the line followed by a long hiss, then she said one of the most baffling things I ever heard. That the crying was because Muna was in a lot of pain as there happened to be too much fat in her stomach, and the solution was to pump some hot water through her anus into her stomach to eject the fat.

I was torn between laughing or crying. Laughter at the ignorance of some people, tears as I imagined the poor innocent baby being subjected to such a barbaric act. To think that there are people who actually believe and practice these things. Even the most enlightened among us fall prey to such practices. 

I have since wondered why my friend had to be subjected to three days of starvation when it was possible to have a meal the very next day, since there were no complications. I got into an argument over this with a friend who said not to compare how it`s done abroad with how we do it here. I won because I was able to cite several hospitals right here in Lagos where it`s possible to have a solid meal the very next day after a surgery. I guess the others didn`t get the memo!

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The Church Versus Same-Sex Marriage

It is no longer news that a bill legalizing same-sex marriage was passed last month in the USA, a decision which has left the country sharply divided. Barely three days after, a Roman Catholic Priest tweeted that he ran into a gay marriage parade, two men walked up to him and spat on him. I fear that this is only the beginning of worse things to come. 

Based on this ruling, clergy and religious bodies are not obliged to perform same-sex marriages. But, the big question is how long before another bill making it mandatory is passed? How long before it becomes an offence under the marriage equality act for churches to refuse to marry them? Or, how long before someone files a suit claiming discrimination? Equally worrisome, is how long before all churches surrender and cave in to cultural, legal and political forces, like a few churches have already done, some dating as far back as a decade ago. The major reason behind surrendering is fear that they could lose their tax exempt statuses if they refuse to conform. If push comes to shove, they will be forced to choose between survival and their religious beliefs.

There are numerous passages in the Bible which clearly indicate that homosexual acts and passions are unnatural, shameful, contrary to sound doctrine and deny entrance to the Kingdom of God. No marriage can be sanctioned by the church if the very basis of the marriage involves acts that put the couple outside of eternal salvation. 

No matter what the American society or any one of the other twenty countries worldwide who have legalized same-sex marriage may legislate, the law of God is clear - that a "marriage" between two people of the same sex is not Godly. It is as simple as that, and no laws can change it.

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In Pursuit of a Defining Purpose by Pamela Efobi

As I gazed through the tiny misty window of the speed boat on my way to work that Tuesday morning, I couldn’t help but marvel at God`s creation. The large expanse of water, the 40-sitter boat waving dangerously from side to side as the merciless waves tossed her around, the fishermen in the far distance expertly casting their nets, some children on a small canoe waving at us as we sped past, a hint of yellow in the skies above as the sun prepared to come out of its hiding. I shook my head in wonderment.

A crackle on the television which was suspended on the wall inches from where I sat snapped me out of my reverie. I welcomed the distraction as I sat back to enjoy the movie which happened to feature my beloved Bollywood actors. I had come to prefer them to our own Nollywood. Moments later, the television went from showing brightly coloured dancing people to “searching for signal”. Na wa! 

I lost myself once more in my daydream. How I envied these actors as they seemed to derive absolute pleasure in their vocation. I recall my childhood dreams of wanting to one day become an actress, a songstress, a tailor, and finally a writer simply because I was addicted to the popular Mills & Boons novels. I look at my life now, my current occupation is in the complete opposite direction. But the question I ask myself is whether I am truly happy as an IT Support Engineer. Would I not be happier if I were an Image Consultant by day? …because I love fashion and all it stands for. Or even happiest as a freelance writer by night? ...did I mention that I express myself better in writing?

Like me, a lot of people are constantly in pursuit of that defining purpose in life, the perfect career, the perfect partner or the perfect marriage. But at the end of the day, it is the ability to understand oneself and what makes one happy that really count. 

I believe that some day I will find that one job, that one passion that will transcend all things. And only then will I be content that I have truly found peace in doing what makes me happy and what defines my purpose in life.

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Mother & Mentor

Happy Mothers` Day Everyone!

Few of us today had our own mothers as professional role models or mentors simply because just a select few mothers had high-ranking jobs in the big organizations where we aspired to be. However, they were our mentors in various aspects and in fact in a recent poll I carried out amongst 30 of my colleagues and friends, everyone unanimously agreed that mothers provide the most vital tools every child requires in preparation for the challenges of adulthood. From being able to see through that sweet-talking suitor to providing support and much-needed advise in dealing with your difficult boss, mothers come well equipped.

Mentoring entails providing support and feedback with the aim of clarifying career direction, increasing the ability to perform, developing skills & knowledge and helping to avoid making costly mistakes. Mentoring by a mother has the added advantage of further strengthening an already existing mother-child connection and also offers the child the unique opportunity of asking sensitive questions that they wouldn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. Mothers are more likely than fathers to serve as mentors to their young adult children. Women in general are more likely than men to mentor anyone, male or female according to a 2010 study.

Naturally, children look up to their parents, taking on the role of a mentor or in other words, a “supporter” to your own child should therefore not be difficult. However, these relationships can be both challenging and rewarding, but also fraught with tension, as children strive for independence and mothers walk the line between giving needed guidance and meddling too much. The key is to avoid imposing your own views and to never pressure your child, bearing in mind that children can think for themselves. For instance, it is better to say “If I were in this situation, I might do this” than to outrightly tell them exactly what to do and how to do it. Mentoring is not about accepting the mentor`s views, it is about the mentee`s ability to make wise decisions using the latter`s views and opinions as a guide.

One challenge for a mother is separating “Am I here to give you hard, cold advice that may open doors for you or am I here for you because you just need a hug today?” Sustaining the relation will mean drawing a line where tough but solid advice stops and emotional support starts. The result is that the mentee may find the mentor too rigid, and may secretly seek a softer “motherly” method. Whereas, having an outsider as mentor may well produce better results even though their style may be more rigid than the mother`s. 

 Another challenge is that the mentee may perceive the programme as being too tasking or worse as punishment rather than an opportunity. The solution is not to force participation but to gradually integrate them into it. This can be best achieved when assisting the child with school work. Instead of doing it for them, teach them how to do it and when they don`t get it right, show them a better way of doing it next time.

Some people on the other hand would rather get someone they admire to mentor their kids. Relationships between mentors and the parents of children being mentored could become sensitive. Though they sometimes feel jealous of or threatened by mentors, parents need to understand that mentors are not trying to take over their roles. Mentors, in turn, need to respect and support parents' rules and concerns for the children while building their own relationships.

Behind every productive life, there is mentoring, no matter how dysfunctional. Parents have been given that gift. We need to use it wisely. I for one look forward to mentoring my children, I consider it an honour, a privilege and an obligation. There could be nothing more rewarding than supporting them and having them look up to me for guidance.

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Someone Always Has It Worse

Several days after Ngozi`s death, I received a call from a friend who lives in Port-Harcourt. He had called to express his sympathies, but by the end of our lengthy conversation, our roles got switched. I became the sympathizer.

One sunny afternoon just the week before, his aged parents had left their hometown to pay a visit to the Governor of the state. Half way to their destination, they received word that the meeting had been rescheduled. On getting back to the village, they decided to attend a meeting at the church before heading home. Several kilometers to their destination, on a long stretch of road marked with pot-holes, their car was suddenly blocked by a black SUV which seemed to appear out of nowhere. Their driver of eight years narrowly missed running into it. He expertly swerved the car to the left and into a ditch filled with debris. Four able-bodied men dressed in outfits similar to police uniforms sprang out and ordered the couple out at gun point. One of them struck the frightened woman on the face to rouse her out of her shock-induced unresponsiveness as the others ordered the driver to run into the nearby bushes. He then proceeded to drag her alongside her husband out of the car and into the back seat of the dusty SUV. The four men got in after them and the car sped off in the opposite direction leaving behind a trail of reddish brown dust. Several minutes later, the terrified driver came out of the bushes and drove straight to the church to inform the parishioners who in turn alerted the police.

Two days later, the anxious family received a call from a man claiming responsibility for the abductions. His demand was the sum of N15 Million in exchange for their release. They immediately relayed this information to the police who advised them to comply with the demands. 

Four days after, still no closer to gathering such a large sum of money, the abductors called to inform them that the woman was feeling poorly and that being diabetic needed her medication. Also, that out of the goodness of their hearts, they had reduced the sum to N13 Million. The desperate family pleaded with them that all they could come up with was N1.8 Million. The two sides haggled till the sum of N6 Million was agreed upon. The family informed close friends and relations and at the end of the day was able to come up with the agreed sum.

The next morning, the abductors called and put the father on the line. In a shaky voice, he pleaded for immediate rescue of himself and his wife. The family wasted no time in getting a relation to act as negotiator to convey the money to a pre-arranged location. Inside the bag containing the money and the medication, they put a mobile phone which had a tracking device. The police, confident that with the help of the tracker, the money would lead straight to the abductors, prepared to swing into action. Several hours later, the family received a call that the abductors had the money but had not released the couple, instead they had shot the negotiator on the leg.

Early the next day, the abductors called again but this time to inform them that the woman had died. They claimed that she had given up the ghost just before the arrival of her medication. They had proceeded to bury her body. They demanded for an additional N7 Million for the immediate release of the man. The distraught family decided not to comply but to leave everything to fate. The man was released the very next day. The police informed the family several days later that they had traced the phone to a certain location. Unfortunately, the abductors were long gone.

Some aspects of this story did not add up. First and foremost, the abductors were dressed in police uniforms or in outfits closely resembling police uniforms. Could they have been actual police men? Strange was the fact that even with a tracking device the police failed to apprehend the abductors the moment the money was handed over. One would have expected them to trail the negotiator to the location where the exchange was to take place. Curious that the abductors left the mobile phone behind. Ever heard of a monkey rejecting a banana? Could they have been aware that it contained a tracker?

Fortunately, the man made it out alive even if the whereabouts of the woman are still unknown. A not-so-happy ending to a nightmare which is made worse by the fact that the family is still to this day searching for the body of the woman but at the same time praying for a miracle that she is still alive. 

There I was thinking that my situation was bad until I heard my friend`s story.

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